This is Sheamonique Ellis with 1 Busy Mommy! For all those new to the blog, 1 Busy Mommy is a safe space of self-love, self-care, self discovery and motherhood. I have come to realize that I am Shea first and mother, daughter, spouse, colleague, friend, etc…. are all the roles that I play. I used to LIVE for being someone’s mom and wife and now I have come to realize that it was a feeling I was chasing all along. I USED to think that motherhood meant unconditional love, selflessness, happiness, your heart walking outside of your body and all that other stuff BUT I have also come to realize that my experience and feelings in these roles come out of how I feel.
So it doesn’t matter if my kids are being amazingly cute, if I feel like shit. Mommy is too tired to care. I don’t care if he is in the mood….sleep sounds more appealing. Forget picking up the phone and listening to my friends rant about what happened in traffic… I am struggling to be happy with ME right now….
So I started to GIVE to myself and ALONG the way…. these are some of the things that 2018 taught me.
- You are only as full…..as YOU give yourself. My fiance can NOT fill me up, my job, my kids, my friends, my parents…..clothes, wine, books. TO FEEL GOOD requires something IN me and not something outside of myself. I had to fill MYSELF WITH ME…… The things that BROUGHT ME JOY. And Not a rush…. Like buying new heels that ARE BOSS…because I’m not going to wear them all day… and as soon as I put them in my closet I am back to neutral. SO I had to figure out what gives me a high that lasts for HOURS…EVEN Days…. THOSE were the things that would fill me. For me that was sitting in my car, music blasting, windows down, doing 75 going no where in particular…. I felt FREE, alive, enjoyed my time and my space and when I returned to my kids, I HAD SO MUCH TO GIVE THEM because I felt good. Shea feels good, means Mommy feels good and kids, fiance, family, friends, coworkers are happy.I can not do everything in my own strength. I have to give it to God. When I did everything, handled everything, looked at the details, counted all the coins, reviewed the checklist I was stressed, mad, overwhelmed and exhausted. I did this for months for years even and I had to stop and ask myself Shea “Why are you running?” What are you striving for?” “Who are you trying to prove something to?” Is this what YOU were called to do? And I had to stop and realize that I was stressed, overwhelmed, and tired because I was doing SO MUCH without God but I couldn’t sustain it on my own. SO, I surrendered. I gave it to God, I stopped stressing, and when I started stressing I would pray again. I would ask for guidance, I would look for confirmation. I would follow my intuition and suddenly my load was lighter. Things started to open up, things that took hours took maybe 1. Because I was going with the flow and not forcing my will on everything.
- I acknowledged the gift of being a mother. I used to attach my children to my responsibility. The expansion of my legacy. The extension of me…. AND It made being a mom HARDER than It needed to be. I started seeing every interaction with my children as a gift, a lesson, a memory that I would get to share. The nights when Mason would sneak into our bed at 2:00 in the morning, and want to talk to me, and pet my face, and tell me he loves me and conveniently fall back asleep when I had to get up at 5:30 am…. I begin to see as a gift. Because….My child, got up and WALKED to my bed side, and thought enough TO WANT to talk to me….and PET my face, and TELL ME HE LOVES ME… and THESE WERE ALL GIFTS. MEMORIES. Things that I would reminisce on and he would hardly remember. This was life… And I better enjoy it.
- That my job takes up a lot of my day….So I have to find peace, purpose, and love in it. I can’t keep living for Friday…and simply push through the day until 3:15 when the school bell ring. I had to find the miracle and love in everyday so that I had peace of mind and so I felt that I woke up on purpose that I finished each day with intention.
- Lastly, I gave up on listening to other people who didn’t see the world I did, and didn’t see the magic in it. I see the shit too, the hate, the racism, the misogyny,the famine, the death, I see ALL of IT…. But How can we have a full life if we only eat the bones and not the meat. How can we only see the negative and not the positive? How can we forget the beauty in the small things and overlook the rest for all the negativity in the world. I stopped sharing my dreams with people who would whisper their own self-doubt over them, I stopped explaining my soul to people, I stopped breaking down the lesson so that it could reach people who didn’t want to reach up to receive it. I stopped pleasing others and started pleasing me.
So with that I am taking the things I have found in response to those things…
- Prayer. I don’t know where I would be without prayer. I don’t know what I would have without prayer. Because the negative self talk that I had, the feelings that I had about my height, my hair, my voice, my smile, my demeanor, my intelligence, my aptitude, my work ethic was hurting me. With every positive there was a negative and I lived my life in neutral. Giving hope and love to other and talking to myself with intentionality to give myself life. I spoke to God and I was able to hear my true voice. The one that didn’t talk to me crazy and the one that nurtured those small whispers of I think I can… with “Yes… yes, you can”
- Healing. I gave myself permission to forgive and let go of the pain that I had because I didn’t know how I would describe myself if I didn’t have to stake claim to the rape survivor, the young girl living in shelters with her abused mother, the student body president struggling with raising her younger siblings, the girl who didn’t value her body and gave it away, the young girl who couldn’t have kids because of her uterus problems, the girl voted most likely to succeed but had yet to accomplish anything. Who was I without all of these labels? I finally decided to find out.
- Curiosity. The world is bigger than I am. There is more in books that I could ever read, more places that I could ever travel, more experiences I could ever have and rather than closing myself off to them, I decided to open up the door that I am possible. That I can explore, and that there are things out in the world for me that I have yet to dream of.
- Love. I am learning how to love myself MORE and MORE. and that gives me space to love others in this same amazing way. You can only Love others to the extent that you love yourself and I am loving myself for merely trying. For trying to try. For having the thought. So it is nothing to applaud others. To compliment others. To help others. To give to others but all I can help but think… is what if that was me.
- Lastly, I am giving myself the willingness to fail. I am no longer scared to fail once, twice, or over and over. Because I finally believe that I will EVENTUALLY get it right. I will give myself the ultimate gift of USING my potential…so that it is no longer something that is sitting in wait. I am giving myself the ability to SHOW ALL OF ME and Finally…. What someone else says doesn’t phase me… Because with prayer, with healing, with love, with curiosity I am standing firm in MY OWN opinion of me.
Let me know what you have learned from 2018, what have you let go… And what are you taking with you into 2019.
Talk To You Soon,